traumaboard

cw: murder, suicide

baby steps

i had a not so stellar experience at the skatepark last weekend. it was my first time going and i prepared for it to be a long session just getting used to moving around again. i was soooooo excited! i’ve been holed up for a year, transitioning safely in a vacuum, and i miss having friends. i got cute and my partner drove me to the park.

there were so many people 💀 i’ve never seen that many people at a park and i was feeling intimidated just, not wanting to get in anyone’s way while relearned. i used to be very very good, so this anxiety was new to me, but i know skaters can be assholes, so i watched for a bit to find any lulls in the park. there weren’t, every was inch being skated, there were also quad skates and bmx! i got on my board, kick turned on some transition, backside revert, and fakie shuv just riding back to where i started. as soon as the revert ended and riding fakie someone yelled some transphobic shit out to the whole park 😭 this was my first time dealing with this in public, i was so scared, my heart was racing, my whole body was shaking.

i miss you

2 years ago i bought my now current board. we had just moved from TX, trying to start a new life. i skated it only one time, at the park in the previous city we lived. for a few minutes, ignoring what should have been obvious limitations, i skated outside of my level during a game of skate and pulled a muscle 😬 it was funny in the moment, i could hardly walk, and i had to end the game, i was so embarrassed 🤣 two days later my brother hanged himself. and i’ll forever regret not texting him about the silly moment in the park. what if.

i just found this photo which prompted this writing. he's doing a rock to fakie on my kid 🤣

i’m not sure how, but i have his last skateboard in my possession. skating was the one thing we always had, it was the only level playing field, and it was our escape from our hell. love you

moments

after getting yelled at at the park, my partner and i stepped away to smoke a cigarette and reminisce. she said she thought skaters were supposed to be inclusive and punk. although one of the first parks i remember going to a guy yelled across the park “boy? girl?” to an emo kid walking by. idk.

She also brought up Alex, a kid i used to skate with when i was at my peak, ~15 years ago. he was very good for his age! i guess he was at his peak too. i told her about my last conversation with him, before he was murdered. he was skating the park, doing stuff i’d never seen him do, acting like he owned it, i was so impressed! i asked him “wtf are you doing, why are you going so hard? 🤣“ and he said “because you’re here” 🥹. i’ll always remember that.

looking up

we went and sat back down on the park benches and a guy approached us, i’m still shaking. he says hey i haven’t seen you here and my partner tells them it’s true and we all exchange names and stories. a cool girl rides up on quad skates and we continue chatting. they have just come back from some queer skate camp in the mountains?? and wanted to tell us all about it, it sounded incredible, we’re going next year for sure.

he had a similar skating story to me, after a long hiatus, living in TX, and getting back in it for the social aspects. he invited us to back to his place for a party and to skate his miniramp. he kept telling my partner he has a love seat right in front of the ramp where she can chill and crochet 🧶. they were so sweet.

i’m staying positive ✨ and will have fun stuff to share soon 💋